I think I'm ready to be happy again. I'm really the only person I can talk to about myself. It's not that I have a hard time trusting people, if anything I trust people with my words too much. Lately though, when I take time to think about who I would like to confide in, and get sound logical, non-extremist advice; I can't think of anyone.
I've created this idea of myself, since Tina, of a miserable self-centered, egomaniacal jerk. Everywhere I go, maybe except youth group, there's an idea of me which I A) don't like and B) isn't me. Maybe, now that I think of it, not even at youth group am I really myself.
Fact is, I know where I am, I know who I am, and I'm not doing what I'm supposed to. I know what's best for me, what I need, and I'm not really doing it.
I want to start going to church every Sunday again. I want to read the bible more. Back when I was regularly in scripture I was swearing less, happy more, and overall doing well. Now, though, like I've said, I'm not happy.
I need to stop saying I'm empty, heartless, unemotional. I've been using that to protect myself from myself. If I allow myself to be vulnerable again I'll be back on track. I'm an open person.
Last night I really contemplated not going to Villa and going to school out of state. I felt really uncomfortable thinking that Jen and Joe might have a thing. I don't know why, I'm quite certain that I can trust both of them enough to not do that. It's just that, in situations like that, it's still a little hard for me to trust people. I've been interested with a change of scenery for a while. I thought I would get that at buff state, but it seems as if I left the same impression, being a sarcastic loudmouth. I want to be known as articulate, someone who only says what needs to be said. I just need to think before I speak. It's a maturity thing. I want to be known as mature. I feel as if the egotistical/sarcastic thing is a childish act.
It's hard to recreate a reputation. If I move, it's like a second chance. Maybe my interpretation of myself is wrong. We are our own harshest critics.
So as cliche as it is, 2011 is a new start I guess. Human nature to use the new year as a starting point to do something different. I'm going to make it a point to get to church, be in scripture, and work on some other things. It's the faith that needs an overhaul. That's who I am when I get down to it. That's where it starts.
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